Another Chance to Un-God Myself
There are all kinds of conflicts, and they’re not all mine to solve. Who knew?!
I’m a hard sleeper, but that hasn’t always been true. For most of my childhood, I struggled to sleep. For various reasons, I either laid awake in the dark, or woke intermittently through the night. I had to search for and practice experiencing the kind of rest that actually restores you, instead of the kind born from psychic exhaustion. The kind that forces your eyes closed after a fight. I suspect a lot of people must learn to do the same over the course of their lives, if the lesson didn’t come to them by way of direct guidance or structure. There are so many things we don’t know we have to learn. So many ways we assume we ought to be without ever having the chance to try and fail and try again. Those lessons come down on you like a hammer, if you never get gentle correction. Sometimes, you’re the one holding the hammer. But even that is only because someone taught you how to swing and hit.
I’ve gotten used to being able to sleep through almost anything, and I usually wake rested and ready to “step out into the daily accident.” After the move, I regressed. For the first few weeks of living in Indianapolis, I missed my usual bedtime every night, and woke later and later in the morning. Never too late to get started, but always behind the time I expected or wanted. Each morning, I face a list of things I must do, and must quickly try to discount the ones that require someone else to do their part before I can do mine. This transition isn’t the first time I’ve relied on generosity and hired help from others, but it’s the first time I’ve so happily and by choice.
I’m always trying to give up on feigning control I never had. I’m at least being more reasonable in my expectations. I’ve finally accepted being disappointed by myself or anyone else won’t kill me. Even if they lose my couch. And if they do lose something precious to me, if someone I’ve chosen to count on doesn’t come through, I will not walk the old path of…